TW: Suicidal thoughts
I thought about ending it today… I know how that sounds and, before anybody panics, I have help. I have a support system. My therapist is aware, I am medicated, and it’s not like I want to die because, honestly, I don’t think I do and the rational part of my brain knows that I am loved and I am valued and I am an important member of society. I am a well-respected member of my community. I do good things on a daily basis. I’m a good mother, I’m a good partner, I’m a good friend and, I’m a good… well, all the things.
The problem is that this depressed brain doesn’t always think with the rational side.
I’ve thought about it before. I made a couple of attempts in my early teens because middle school is hard and people are assholes, but I don’t think I’ve ever truly wanted to end it. We’ve had a couple of crisis moments and prior to getting on Lexapro after Emmett (my youngest) was born, I… Well, let’s just say I really credit Lexapro for saving my life because it got really dark for quite a while. This time, I was driving back from Pocatello and I kind of just realized, “If I wanted to end it, this would be the time to do it. I’m driving, my boys are with their dad, I don’t have anybody with me, I’m not gonna take anybody with me because there aren’t very many people on the roads, the roads are slick because it’s our first snow of the season, and Emmett is at school and when I don’t show up to pick him up, they’ll call emergency contacts, all of whom are people I trust with him. Heather would know what to do, she’s smart, she would know how to get in touch with the right people. And my kids wouldn’t have to see me, they wouldn’t have to find me.” And I’m so fucking ego-driven that I thought to myself, “Oh, nobody would even know that I did this. Nobody would even know what happened. Everybody would just think it was a horrible tragedy. ‘Pillar of community dead in winter car crash.’” Just for a second, I thought about it and I thought about how easy it would be to just run off the side of the road. Then I thought to myself, “Ugh, those fucking first responders are gonna have to deal with this and then they get to go home to their families and, you know, I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know if they’re in therapy, if they seek counseling for the things they see on the job.” And then I thought to myself, look at me being a decent person. Look at me in this moment of absolute fucking mental crisis thinking to myself that I don’t want to end it because I don’t wanna traumatize anybody else. At that moment, I was like, “Hey, you are a good person.”
I am a good person! I honestly am. I have my flaws. I mean, I’ve told lies, I’ve said mean things. I’ve treated people poorly. Truthfully, though, I am a good person and I do good things and all it took was that quick moment of “look how easy it could be” to realize that I don’t want that. I don’t want that for myself. I don’t want that for my friends and family. I don’t want that for my children. So I asked myself, “How can I think about that and think about ending it, but I don’t want to end it, I don’t want to be dead.” So then what is it? I think that I just want a break honestly. I’m standing here over the stove caramelizing sugar to make flan because #1 I like it and #2 I have a new friend and he really likes flan and I told him I would make him some and I told him I would teach him how to make it but I figured before I teach somebody how to make it I need to make sure my recipe is solid and #3 because EIM needs some content and I figured I could make a couple of dishes and share the recipes.
Anyway, I’m sitting here stirring this sugar questioning how in the fuck 36 hours ago I was driving home from Pocatello and thought to myself how easy it would be to just die right there. But not today. Really, not yesterday either. Yesterday, I didn’t want to be dead. Yesterday, I thought, “Wow, it would be so easy to just go to the gym and get that Kardashian ass I want back because I had it and then I lost the weight and now my butt is gone.” Is it like that? Like, “Oh, it would be so easy to do this” but you know you’re not going to but you know you could. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I’m alive today and I’d like to be alive tomorrow. I just need my brain to agree with it. I need my brain chemistry to agree with that every day.
If you’re out there and you’re having these thoughts, I’m happy you’re alive. I’m sure there are lots of people in your life who are happy you’re alive even if you don’t think they are. You’re a bright light in this world even if you’re a kinda fucked up, confused, really hurting light, you’re still a light and we need all the light we can get in this world. I’ll see you tomorrow.
